Bedtime struggles? Create a routine.
There is nothing more important to getting good sleep than to developing a consistent bedtime routine. Suggesting a bedtime routine is as elementary, and possibly as aggravating, as IT support asking you if your computer is plugged in before moving down the list of possible solutions. However, there is a reason they ask this question first and why I am starting here. How many times is the response to this aggravating IT support question an annoyed sigh followed by “Oh.” And so it is with the bedtime routine. Many of us will read an article similar to this blog and say, “That is obvious!” only to reflect on our lives and realize the only consistency in our schedules is the chaos. Any book for adults that struggle with falling asleep starts with the need for developing a routine and it is no different with our children. My definition of a bedtime routine is any consistent pattern of events that facilitate transition within our brain and body from a state of alertness to a state of restfulness. A bedtime routine can start just after an afternoon nap, or when your children get home from school, just after supper or the last twenty minutes of the day. Anytime we can start and transition strategy that is bought into by our children and repeated daily as routine, this routine becomes a ritual that our bodies begin to take on and respond to.
The basic ingredients for a healthy bedtime routine are:
Create a restful nook.
Connect with your child.
Increase your child’s ability to self-regulate.
1. Creating a nook.
Have you ever been hanging out in that back yard with friends around a fire in late fall, looking up at the stars and yawning when someone asks, “What time is it?” The initial body response is, “It must be at least midnight” when it is actually 9:30 pm. I love electricity and all the ways we benefit from it, but creating artificial light has not helped our sleep in any way. We now have to make a focused effort to turn down the lights, turn off electronics, create a nook of comfort (my boys call this their nest) and let our bodies and thoughts slow down. Whether it’s their bed or a comfortable couch in the living room, you can turn almost any space into a restful nest. Turn the lights down and create a quiet environment where you are most likely to connect with them.
2. Connect with your child.
One of the major ways that mammals are different from reptiles is that as infants we are completely dependent on a primary care giver for our survival. This dependency is called attachment. As humans we need attachment figures throughout our lifetimes. There are dozens of studies that show that we are less prone to anxiety, depression and other mental health issues when we have close supportive relationships. As babies we are co-regulated through the connection with our primary care giver. Our heart rate, breathing and emotions are co-regulated by the heart rate, breathing and emotions of our primary care giver. We may become more independent as we mature but co-regulation continues to exist. So if your child is having a difficult time slowing down, slow down with them. Be a part of their nest. Read with them or tell them soothing stories of connection. Like how you used to rock them asleep and how much you still love cuddling with them. Explore their day with them and what they are looking forward to tomorrow.
The first step in our child’s ability to self-regulate is feeling secure in their relationship with us. This may seem counter intuitive but when we feel anxious about the security of our most important relationships we have more difficulty regulating our emotions when we are alone. When we feel secure in our deepest attachments we carry a sense of confidence with us that makes it easier to self-regulate when we are by ourselves. The main goal here is, that whether you’re reading them a story or just lying with them and processing their day, they feel connected and secure in their relationship with you before you ask them to tolerate being alone and falling asleep.
3. Increase your child’s ability to self-regulate.
The template for how to self-soothe is developed within our brain and body as we are being soothed by someone else. An example of this was when my oldest son was about two and a half he fell and hurt himself. As I picked him up, hugged him and empathized he began to pat my back. The message was clear. “You’re missing one step dad. I like to have my back patted when being soothed.” Getting his back patted was the icing on the cake. The cake was the holding, rocking and empathizing. So a critical part of the soothing template that had been laid down in his neural networks was being patted on the back while being held. Although he didn’t do the soothing himself, he was able to communicate what he needed which demonstrates the awareness needed to self-soothe. The general message that we want our children to be playing in their heads is that they are going to be okay. The best way to help your children develop the “I’m going to be okay” response is to soothe your children when they need it. Children naturally strive for more autonomy and less dependence as they grow (we don’t need to push them into this) and as they do so they will use the templates we have helped to develop to self-soothe as needed. It is important to give them opportunities to practice using the templates we have helped them develop. One of the easiest ways to increase a child’s ability to self-regulate is through the use of a timer. In my next blog expand on this simple technique.
So what is a practical example of a bedtime ritual?
Let’s say the following is our bedtime ritual.
Supper
Independent play time
bath
family reading time
bedtime snack
brush teeth
in bed connection time with one or both of the parents
Sleep.
When repeated as a predictable routine the steps of the ritual act as a regulation metronome that slows down with each transition. You can observe it working. For instance they might start yawning during family reading time.
A routine does not need to be rigidly connected to time and location but can be flexible and portable. You may feel that in your busy schedules of soccer, hockey, basketball, theater, homework or whatever, that the routine described above is impossible. It doesn’t have to be a two or three hour routine. It could be a twenty minute ritual when you get home at nine or ten o’clock at night. Any ritual you do nightly will help signal the body to transition from the business of the day to the rest ahead.
If you are this busy family I encourage you to get creative and even try and make time in the car on the way home part of the routine. Pay attention to the environment such as: the pace and tone of the music in the air, our voices and body movements, as well as the light in our homes and the stimulation of electronics. If your desire is for your children to slow down and be open to rest the environment should mirror this. Turn off the TV, computers, tablets and phones. Develop a routine that incorporates even five minutes of one to one connection after unplugging from the devices to initiate our bodies to transition.
How to be flexible with a routine.
Maybe most of the time you are able to pull off a basic two hour routine but then you have a night where you are coming home late. I have seen this type of set up lead to a great deal of conflict. The parents hope that their children will be tired enough to jump into bed and fall asleep. But their children, specifically their children’s bodies, are not sensing the key downward gear shifts that their normal ritual provides for them. This doesn’t mean that you have to run through the entire two hour routine but you may need to be thoughtful about incorporating a few of the key elements of the process.
For instance, maybe you:
Give them some screen time (independent play) in the car on the way home while they have a snack you had prepared ahead of time.
Quick shower when they get home
Brush teeth
Lay down with them and connect to help regulate and slow down
Sleep
I have myself wished at times that my children could just be more flexible and go straight to bed when we get home late. Of course, by demanding that they “just go to bed” I’m a perfect demonstration for them of the opposite of flexibility! Honoring even part of the routine that we’ve developed together gets them ready for sleep twice as fast as getting rigid with them for not being more flexible.
In my next blog I will share specific strategies for increasing both connection and self-regulation.
